What I really, really want …

September 29, 2011 § Leave a comment

“When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can’t make them change if they don’t want to, just like when they do want to, you can’t stop them.” ~ Andy Warhol


~ ~ ~


The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.

Don’t go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.

Don’t go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.

Don’t go back to sleep.

~ rumi ~~ ~ ~ 

… you must ask for what you really want …

this has been an exercise the past week or so. so many people and Source itself bringing this to light.

what do you want?

seems like a simple question but i haven’t been making it so. so i have broken it down to the smallest of steps.
and then there are the things i want at the moment that i can’t have no matter how much i want them. and they become future things. and a practice in letting go of frustration and then turning the mind back to now. simply Now.

for instance. i really wanted to take a nap in the afternoon or at least just veg and watch cartoons and be quiet.

i could not do that.

so i focused on what i wanted inside what i had to do … and that became a speedy drive without incident and … i got that.

so it’s yet another learning process and a way into peace.




September 24, 2011 § Leave a comment


here’s where it stands … i know Everything and Nothing … it’s the Middlething i am not at Home in [at the moment]

some things i know for sure:

* it’s lonely here [but how can you feel so alone with all these gorgeous people surrounding you? right. check it … refer back to the Middlething]

* it’s so humid that none of the floors or stairs squeak.

* there is a harvest fest down the street on the village green and this means … zeppoles … but at this moment i feel sick and am not sure i can eat any …

* i don’t feel well. this could be my emotional state, the humidity, or gracee’s tummy bug … i could be all three. in any case, as far as i know i am staying in bed.

* i feel so incredibly sad. as if someone/thing died. i have no idea what i am grieving, but the pain/numb [both at once? yeah. go figure.] is what it is regardless.

so yeah … that’s about it. and now … well … numb now. so i think i just want silence and then see what develops in there.



[ps. my eyes just fell on a book that is next to my bed of haiku by Basho named ‘Narrow Road to the Interior’ [i just let it sink in for a few moments. just staring at the binding.] and it is well named … no one can walk this with me. no one. … but since there is only This road … i know i can find my way back … unless there IS no back … and then, well. shit … i don’t know ‘then’ … so. just have to wait and see … at the moment i am walking. drawn actually. it’s the only path i have. it was either walk or stay and for some reason walking is the best answer. … and that’s about it… ]

open your heart with the key …

September 18, 2011 § Leave a comment

It’s easy to find the grace in the moment when we are happy and clearheaded. The harder but more important observation is when we are ale to unfold it’s gift in the middle of our personal chaos. Even better … at the first spark of it before we unravel at all. Catch the thread and tie it off before we lose the garment completely and have to start from scratch …

Gratitude … we need to seek and see what we are grateful for especially in the moments that vex us. When we feel trapped, when we feel off balance, we need to look at the situation and find what we are grateful about in it. … and we keep stating our graces until the heart relaxes and we feel our own love and connection again to source and Universe. To Our Selves. Most importantly, to Our Selves.

First thing every morning … last thing every night. If not one then many spoken words of gratitude until we feel the knots undoing and undone. In everyday and every breath there is something to be grateful for. To give thanks for … even if it is only the blood whooshing thru our veins, the last breath we took, or the dog’s smile. Perhaps the clean water we drink, the softness of the cloth under our fingers or the one more minute we just had with a loved one.
The more grace and gratitude we feel IN the moment the less trapped we will feel and the faster source will unfold our personal divine order to us … we are the only things holding it at bay with all our ‘stories’ … all our negativity keeps us blinded in every sense and sensation from our light and divinity. Our Source and Self.
The heart holds the key, the head [thoughts] just bangs against the situation in frustration.
Open your heart

special bonus … who knew a Madonna lyric would be apropos …  think of it as universe/source/god speaking to you …

I think that you’re afraid to look in my eyes
You look a little sad boy, I wonder why
I follow you around but you can’t see
You’re too wrapped up in yourself to notice
So you choose to look the other way
Well, I’ve got something to say
Don’t try to run I can keep up with you
Nothing can stop me from tryin’ … you’ve got to

open your heart …

so you wake up in the morning with initiative to move, so why make it harder?

September 13, 2011 § Leave a comment


I have moved Stories of She over to The Daily Muse as it feels more appropriate to keep the creative writing [no matter how spiritual it may be] over with … the creative writing and creative page …

Here? I swear I am still defining this space and what it is I want to tell you and say here.

This has been a doozy of a summer. Since the New Moon in Pisces {in March} I have felt nothing but restless quiet shifting [shit … really, that should be shit … and not always so quiet!!]. So far this year I have Mastered in Reiki and received initiation into Jourei, both of these are forms of Energy Healing and spiritual practice on their own and this adds to the already vast knowledge I have with Flower Essences. I stepped up my personal practice at the end of last year while I studied to become Master and this included deep meditations and a lot of release from toxic energies.

The initiation into the practice of Jourei during August threw me for an absolute metaphysical and existential loop! The process is meant to  ‘clear the spiritual clouds’ . It did just that! Painfully. Dragged me through the mire in chains and I was tempted to drown there with the pain …

Until you have found pain, you won’t reach the cure
Until you’ve given up life, you won’t unite with
     the supreme soul
Until you’ve found fire inside yourself, like the Friend,
You won’t reach the spring of life, like Khezr.


I have tried and tried to explain how the healing process occurs and how for a lot of people, deep healing comes after what is called the Healing Crisis. [ For some it can be worse than others. I do not recommend seeking it for yourself without a guide and a strong support system. You may not come back. Same for Kundalini Awakenings … better to have someone who knows the way on board.]

But to explain …  imagine you have been told you have cancer. What follows is … pain. Mental, spiritual, emotional and physical pain … and once you reach the end and there is healing would you really tell me all that wasn’t worth it?

Same goes for the spirit. But … it’s not everyone’s path nor does it need to be.  Not everyone gets cancer either …

 it IS my spiritual path though

So. Where was I? Preparing, I think … for something wondrous and wonderful … Selah.



Stories of She

September 10, 2011 § Leave a comment

such an evolution … between the earthquake and the aftershocks, hurricane Irene and my initiation to Jourei … amidst the toxic release of existential dreck and the jacob’s ladders of astrology and Source …

She has emerged …

this is where her stories will take place. in a land of magic and harsh logical reality She exists and falters and flourishes into her own … this is where She will dwell … on this page and in the heart of her creator … follow her stories …


This was the time that She broke open and all galaxies fell out of her and enetered her all at once.  The time that was.  The time of reckoning.  She fell back into her chair and gasped tears, awe, and fear all at once.  No princes, kings, or queens, magicians or shaman … no gods or goddesses could save her now …  the journey was hers and hers alone.

Clutching her head from the pain of the implosion, She rallied enough to make her way to eat.  To drink.  Sustenance for the journey and water to cleanse.  She ate and drank deeply.

In the rubble of her soul there remained a spark, a glowing ember to light her way.  It was next to this She now knelt collecing the rubble to fortress her soul.  She lit incense to purify the path ahead.

And it was in this rubble, next to this incense She sat, calling her practices to her.  One by one, like butterflies migrating to their home they arise to find their way to her.

It was here She began.


… to be continued …



You find your way back down

September 1, 2011 § Leave a comment

“Have respect for yourself, and patience and compassion. With these, you can handle anything.” ~Jack Kornfield

Learning new things this week. Valuable new things. Like how to mange [crash and] burnout.

1. don’t allow it it get to that point [i have identified some signals of extreme burnout in me … now to go back a bit further and see what came before that!]

2. i need at least 3 Non Negotiable Time things daily [thank you Marie Forleo] and not only one [meditation] …

3. i thrash energetically. not a pretty sight especially for someone who practices energy healing! and in the thrashing others get pulled in. my apologies. i will be mindful of this.

4. i have been taking steps back and talking to myself as i would any one of you. i told myself to rest. take time off! and curl up in softness, and be gentle with the thoughts that come crashing in. … i give good advice!

5.my recovery requires a lot of silence and compassion when the thoughts keep returning. a key point for me: cat curled up close and purring in my ear = calm. find your personal relaxation button and key … fast!

6. disasters and the collective ‘suffering’ is 100 times worse for me on a good day [high empathy/energy reception] and completely unmanageable during burn out. i need to away from videos and over exposure to the news!!

7. i need to sleep and meditate as much as i can.

8.i must drink lots of water. it seems i become dehydrated. perhaps i stop drinking in my approaching overwhelm. too busy to take the time for that simple self care? ah. another ‘sign’ … ways to circumvent and keep track? have a certain bottle that must be refilled once a day. drink from that. if i don’t, i’ll see.

9. i have to allow my emotions to flow. if tears become laughter in a 5 minute time span and then i lapse into total silence … it’s ok. i just observe and make sure i don’t hurt myself.

9a. employ others to watch you if you are concerned AT ALL that you might hurt yourself. i find just having someone else in the room is comforting [or the radio/tv talking and keeping me in a space of connection to others] but know that this can be hard for them if they can’t follow the stream of emotion. big props to those in my life who can and do! (hug)

10. i try to find reasons for the overwhelm and sadness other than burnout and the [simple] need to disconnect and rest. in trying to >find< a reason for the emotional release during burnout, i make up stories based on some facts and, well … there goes that thrashing again. so sorry!  [and another good point for silence *wink*]

i still have some way to go but i would say the best of the treatments are working. i can write again … that’s a nice sign. got a long weekend coming up and i have intent to spend a lot of it in bed.

there’s room for one more if you’d like to visit and have some tea …





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