February 24, 2012 § 9 Comments
good days. bads days. great days. meh days. … we all have them. it’s how we cope with them that counts.
today i am feeling an onslaught of anxiety. and no idea why. checking in to mySelf i feel no reason for this sense of danger that wants my arms and legs to flee.
it’s paralyzing … i feel like a deer in the head lights. frozen and blinded by the on coming …
i have yet to find a foolproof way to circumvent this. but for now … i will make oatmeal [with hemp nuts/flaxseed/coconut/ and honey or brown sugar]
then i’ll take it from there …
amazing too how the body can override the mind. my head feels hopeful and – well, not still but not frightened either – a little caught in unknowing but being in unknowing allows for the doors ahead to be opened …
oatmeal … then i will address those doors :)
considering words like surrender, allowing and vows … the goddess Akhilandeshwari and the idea of things being ‘never not broken’ … how a fractured crystal/diamond is what creates the broken rays of light into rainbows . i have yet to understand her better … i’ll be sure to report back.
but yeah … oatmeal. and maybe maple syrup for a special treat.
February 21, 2012 § 2 Comments
and if there is .. when i bite on it to bear the pain it blows up in my face …
another increase in meds. [good!] not enough sleep. [bad!] pain everywhere in my body but not enough to incapacitate me, just enough to make me feel no ease in movement.
i am working so damn hard at this. so hard at staying afloat and bringing the happy/gratitude on … but the past two days have just been pain and sorrow. a damn dam in the flow of happiness.
no reason. just. just … nothing to really talk about. i mean … the wheels are turning but and i see it but i can’t convince the child who hurts that i can fix this. … i am struggling to convince myself on these days.
therapy tells me that most of our ‘malware’ comes from our childhood. when issues arose and we were too young to understand and process it. so we learned ways to feel at the time. ways that we could either process or not. these remain our triggers and where we fly back to in times of stress … and for someone like me … someone who was born with an extraordinary and extrasensory level of empathy [something my therapist acknowledges, bless her heart.] and no way of understanding how to work with or manage it … how to set extrasensory boundaries … it always comes back to the pain. [princess bride … a duel to the pain …]
i let everything in. i had no idea how to set myself apart from it except to just … disappear … somehow.
if i had had someone then who saw this in me. knew this about me and could have taught me what i needed to know … wow.
but here i am . and i have to learn. but before i can do that, i have to convince the child who sees/feels it all and is somehow convinced that she is going to be rejected/abandoned when people ‘pull away’… that she IS safe and that >I< will protect her.
and this is so hard to do when i am swallowed up by the depression. tho, albeit these days are fewer and somehow better … but, they still come until my med levels are steady.
so the best way i know how to comfort the child is to wrap up in blankets and swaddle myself and let my mind drift. … when what i desire – then and now – are arms surrounding me and someone telling me it’ll be ok because i am loved and ok as well. … hair strokes and arms until i fall asleep. … and come to think of it, that goes back to being a baby … and is that the last time i felt truly safe?
the struggle is exhausting. moving through the day is like trudging in knee deep packed snow. i’m going, but the movement is tough going and laborious. … and because it’s so hard to move, i would rather not.
i manage living. i remember what living felt like. it was nice. and if i have to bare the rest of my days in this manner … i don’t know. i just … don’t know.
but for today. i will find peace. somehow i will find peace.
February 19, 2012 § Leave a comment
so many people have moved away either physically or emotionally or spiritually … perhaps it’s time for me to accept this and stop clinging to something that isn’t the now but only a past … let them go. it’s ok. we’ll all be fine.
perhaps it’s time for me to move away as well
from the past and that clinging
so much past in my present … and too much future … for me to see what is right here.
we need some thought of future and hope but … the clinging i do not need.
i cannot climb the mountain to see the beauty around me if i am clinging to the side … i have to turn around and look.
i have to keep climbing. but not only that … i have to actually stop and enjoy the surroundings.
that’s what anxiety and depression robbed me of. damned if i will not fight to get it back.
i’m up very early. barry being away puts me in charge … it’s not so awful :) the quiet is a pleasant place to be. i see why he loves it so much as well …
good morning :*
February 12, 2012 § 2 Comments
i am wondering about being in the present moment when the present moment is one of heaviness and deep sadness.
i suppose this means not to negate it but to melt into it.
surrender to it
but this can be hard because … here i am again … enveloped in sadness
perhaps it is fighting it that prolongs it.
perhaps if i AM with it in this very moment the connection will be made and the train will pass without me actually boarding.
perhaps being in the moment with it will give it the acknowledment it craves. its own form of hugs a snuggles.
and then it will be on it’s way to play somewhere else. off to the playground where heaviness is its joy.
but not here. not here in this body and mind and soul.
let this pass.
ged / 2.12.12 <3
February 7, 2012 § 3 Comments
I felt like I was losing my mind. I had no control over the hateful thoughts swirling. Anxiety was high and just getting to breakfast every morning in the hospital was a huge event. But I pushed. And why? Because I wanted [want!] to heal. I wanted [want!] to feel Me again … not this foreign twin who had only death and leaving on her mind. [They had visual contact with me every 15 minutes. Even at night [when people are more likely to do self harming] The question I was asked at least 3 times a day … “are you going to or do you want to hurt yourself?” The answer once I was on that ward was no. And I meant it. I was not going to hurt myself.
But I still wanted to die. To not be here. There. To not be a bother or a burden but mostly to not feel the deep heavy pain in my gut and soul and spirit that just made its way to my arms and legs and … there is physical pain involved with major depression. It hurts in more ways than you can imagine.
And there is no clarity. And one cannot just snap out of it. And they tell you to think happy thoughts and it’s such bullshit at the time because there is now way! … no. way.
They assess you for medication and the pills begin to clear the fog. Ativan [for anxiety] as needed is a standard given. And Tylenol. But you get nothing else until a doctor signs off on it and since I was a late afternoon admission that didn’t happen until sometime late the next day. But the meds, over all, take so long to sink in, and adjustments are always made and … they even tell you it’s a kind of crap shoot and it takes experimentation to find the right course of treatment … there is no test to determine just which chemicals have been effected and are out of balance. It’s all still trial and error and a practice and we just happen to be the living lab animals.
[*Update. In the hospital I was put on Celexa for the depression and Klonopin for the anxiety. I just saw my new out patient psychiatrist yesterday and his question was if Prozac worked well for me in the past, why they didn’t put me back on that? I laughed. How the hell should I know?? [he smiled too] Considering the side effects I have been having since the Celexa [even tho it has helped] I am switching back to Prozac. Huzzah! … But more on the meds another day*]
I was in a state of shock the first few days in the hospital. All the other patients and a lot of them bi polar and in psychotic mania … or the one who chanted how afraid she was 24/7 [which frightened me and prompted use of Ativan. I was frightened too.] The place was stark and sterile. No sharps. Nothing with strings. Even pencils were not allowed without supervision.
And it was Thanksgiving. And I was spoiling everyone’s plans. And I just wanted it to end. And I cried and cried and I mustn’t stay in my room all day and I just wanted to hide. To disappear. I just wanted my soft blanket. My cat Kismet, and a place to nest.
Brave face! Jazz hands!
Even though the staff knows better. They at least see you are trying.
And even though I always ordered it … I never got my Red Jello …
February 6, 2012 § 8 Comments
It’s time I came out, as it were. And time for things to change.
On November 22nd, 2011, I signed myself onto a locked psych ward . I wanted to kill myself. But more than than that, I was thinking that burning my house down with me and my family inside would solve all my problems … and this scared me. Killing myself felt like a blessing, but my house. My family! No matter how that voice pushed at me, I knew is was wrong and I was in trouble.
With the help of a life long friend, we drove to the hospital and a crisis counselor and psychiatrist screening later, I was signing the papers that would commit me to a locked psychiatric ward … but more than that … a safe place where I could begin to heal.
This was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. And starting with the crisis couselor, to the psychiatrist and then the nurses on the ward I encountered … they all reiterated that it was my turn [as a healer] to be healed and to allow it.
Allow I did. … and still do.
Starting here and now, I will recount and chronicle what happened, how it started and how it continues and how I have healed and am healing still.
I am open to comments, questions and listening to your own stories. I have nothing to hide and the discussion and witnessing starts here.