Depression. A black hole that swallows you whole.

February 7, 2012 § 3 Comments

I felt like I was losing my mind. I had no control over the hateful thoughts swirling. Anxiety was high and just getting to breakfast every morning in the hospital was a huge event. But I pushed. And why? Because I wanted [want!] to heal. I wanted [want!] to feel Me again … not this foreign twin who had only death and leaving on her mind. [They had visual contact with me every 15 minutes. Even at night [when people are more likely to do self harming] The question I was asked at least 3 times a day … “are you going to or do you want to hurt yourself?” The answer once I was on that ward was no. And I meant it. I was not going to hurt myself.

But I still wanted to die. To not be here. There. To not be a bother or a burden but mostly to not feel the deep heavy pain in my gut and soul and spirit that just made its way to my arms and legs and … there is physical pain involved with major depression. It hurts in more ways than you can imagine.

And there is no clarity. And one cannot just snap out of it. And they tell you to think happy thoughts and it’s such bullshit at the time because there is now way! … no. way.

They assess you for medication and the pills begin to clear the fog. Ativan [for anxiety] as needed is a standard given. And Tylenol. But you get nothing else until a doctor signs off on it and since I was a late afternoon admission that didn’t happen until sometime late the next day. But the meds, over all, take so long to sink in, and adjustments are always made and … they even tell you it’s a kind of crap shoot and it takes experimentation to find the right course of treatment … there is no test to determine just which chemicals have been effected and are out of balance. It’s all still trial and error and a practice and we just happen to be the living lab animals.

[*Update. In the hospital I was put on Celexa for the depression and Klonopin for the anxiety. I just saw my new out patient psychiatrist yesterday and his question was if Prozac worked well for me in the past, why they didn’t put me back on that? I laughed. How the hell should I know?? [he smiled too] Considering the side effects I have been having since the Celexa [even tho it has helped] I am switching back to Prozac. Huzzah! … But more on the meds another day*]

I was in a state of shock the first few days in the hospital. All the other patients and a lot of them bi polar and in psychotic mania … or the one who chanted how afraid she was 24/7 [which frightened me and prompted use of Ativan. I was frightened too.] The place was stark and sterile. No sharps. Nothing with strings. Even pencils were not allowed without supervision.

And it was Thanksgiving. And I was spoiling everyone’s plans. And I just wanted it to end. And I cried and cried and I mustn’t stay in my room all day and I just wanted to hide. To disappear. I just wanted my soft blanket. My cat Kismet, and a place to nest.

Brave face! Jazz hands!

Even though the staff knows better. They at least see you are trying.

And even though I always ordered it … I never got my Red Jello …



§ 3 Responses to Depression. A black hole that swallows you whole.

  • beverly penn says:

    I know what you mean about the absurdity of someone saying “just think good thoughts” or “snap out of it”; when the idea of death and sadness becomes so all-encompassing there really is nothing anybody can say to annihilate it. Only we can. For about three years I’ve been having anxiety attacks which keep increasing in frequency and strength. Of course, depression comes from being constantly anxious. I really don’t want to go on medication. But I just don’t know if I can keep doing this. There are days where all I will think about, from waking up to going to sleep, is the meaninglessness of life…

    • reikiflower says:

      medication could save your life … don’t let it go on so long. i have learned it’s pills and skills. and it’s the skills that can keep the dosage of meds at a minimum.
      believe me when i say you are not alone. anxiety is high and very treatable. see a therapist and then find a psychiatrist. and NEVER feel shame about caring for yourself and wanting health.
      i’m always here if you need to talk. you still have my email, right? <3 g!

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