there is no magic bullet …
February 21, 2012 § 2 Comments
and if there is .. when i bite on it to bear the pain it blows up in my face …
another increase in meds. [good!] not enough sleep. [bad!] pain everywhere in my body but not enough to incapacitate me, just enough to make me feel no ease in movement.
i am working so damn hard at this. so hard at staying afloat and bringing the happy/gratitude on … but the past two days have just been pain and sorrow. a damn dam in the flow of happiness.
no reason. just. just … nothing to really talk about. i mean … the wheels are turning but and i see it but i can’t convince the child who hurts that i can fix this. … i am struggling to convince myself on these days.
therapy tells me that most of our ‘malware’ comes from our childhood. when issues arose and we were too young to understand and process it. so we learned ways to feel at the time. ways that we could either process or not. these remain our triggers and where we fly back to in times of stress … and for someone like me … someone who was born with an extraordinary and extrasensory level of empathy [something my therapist acknowledges, bless her heart.] and no way of understanding how to work with or manage it … how to set extrasensory boundaries … it always comes back to the pain. [princess bride … a duel to the pain …]
i let everything in. i had no idea how to set myself apart from it except to just … disappear … somehow.
if i had had someone then who saw this in me. knew this about me and could have taught me what i needed to know … wow.
but here i am . and i have to learn. but before i can do that, i have to convince the child who sees/feels it all and is somehow convinced that she is going to be rejected/abandoned when people ‘pull away’… that she IS safe and that >I< will protect her.
and this is so hard to do when i am swallowed up by the depression. tho, albeit these days are fewer and somehow better … but, they still come until my med levels are steady.
so the best way i know how to comfort the child is to wrap up in blankets and swaddle myself and let my mind drift. … when what i desire – then and now – are arms surrounding me and someone telling me it’ll be ok because i am loved and ok as well. … hair strokes and arms until i fall asleep. … and come to think of it, that goes back to being a baby … and is that the last time i felt truly safe?
the struggle is exhausting. moving through the day is like trudging in knee deep packed snow. i’m going, but the movement is tough going and laborious. … and because it’s so hard to move, i would rather not.
i manage living. i remember what living felt like. it was nice. and if i have to bare the rest of my days in this manner … i don’t know. i just … don’t know.
but for today. i will find peace. somehow i will find peace.