March 20, 2012 § 4 Comments
i signed myself into the hospital on a tuesday. my mother died on a tuesday.
the reverberation from the pulses of those days come back to haunt me when my resources are low. i hadn’t really thought much about it until i remembered my dad having really sad/bad days for months on tuesdays and how his therapist reminded him that is when mom died … when he made a difficult but loving decision that allowed her to go [one i will always admire. such love. such strength in that moment] … and that whether we consciously remember it, it ‘haunts’ and lingers in our memory.
… according to the bio-rhythm chart my mom made for me when i was in high school, my rhythms dip on tuesdays as well.
energetically this all makes sense … without a proper release of the vibrations things bounce around and eventually bounce back at us.
but how to cleanse the ‘air’ and aura of the trauma and looping?
flower essences. energy work. sage. rituals … acupuncture and massage even [i could do with a massage. yes. i find i hold ‘stuff’ in my muscles and fascia.]
but one has to be willing TO let it go … and i wonder why i don’t. what good comes from beating myself up and pinning myself to the ropes?
i feel raw and sad and lonely today. i want to be swaddled. i want to sleep. i will most likely cry. … but i will also move along with what needs to be done. shopping to do. chili and cornbread to make. litter box to clean [whoo hoo!]
my therapist advised i sandwich the mundane with things just for me … my astrologer said focus on what brings me pleasure. both women tell me to let go of the anger and blame and to forgive myself. after looking into myself for this the past week or so, i will feel no true pleasure until i release whatever it is i blame myself for.
and i don’t rightly know what that is. … or i have not found it yet.
what frustrates me is that i can see it so clearly in others … which is why healers need healers. it’s very hard to be objective with oneself.
and so … i shadowbox with myself. the Stardust against Swamp Ophelia. right now they are circling each other. Swamp Ophelia always throwing the punches and Stardust … wow. not fighting back. she just takes the punches Ophelia dishes out. Like a martyr.
CRAP! she HAS to fight back or at the very least … defend herself!!! WTF!
that’s a step forward … maybe soon i will be back to dancing with myself instead of boxing … that will be welcome … and nice :]