healing self

April 11, 2012 § 1 Comment

i can feel that i am on the verge of beating this … it’s like being on a see-saw but i am getting closer to that point of balance.

i am very tired lately, feel weak legged, and my stomach is cramping. but instead of resting i have been pushing and pushing to “be well” …  however, my body is forcing me to sit and assimilate. literally. to see where i’ve come from … see what’s ahead

and then

just relax into it all.

so i got up and took a very hot shower.

washed with indian sandalwood soap and oiled my body afterwards with jasmine and patchouli.

feet too. soft socks layered [i have these sport shorty socks that have a extra tightness around the arch. i love them when i feel unbalanced. they are a comfort.]

i am dressed in soft polar fleece and have the comfortable weight of blankets surrounding me on my makeshift chaise [a chair pulled close to the sofa].

mr. bear is on the chair watching me with a smile and i have coffee and then apple cider vinegar and honey water to sip until i feel like i can eat.

it’s going to be a sleep-wake-sleep-wake sort of day and that’s ok.

mood wise i actually feel ok.

and this is a good thing.


never not broken …

April 3, 2012 § 5 Comments

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “Worry often gives a small thing a big
shadow.” So says a Swedish proverb. Can we talk about this, please,
Pisces? Of course there are real hazards and difficulties in life, and they
deserve your ingenious problem-solving. But why devote any of your
precious energy to becoming embroiled in merely hyped-up hazards and
hypothetical difficulties? Based on my analysis of the astrological omens,
now is a propitious time to cut shadows down to their proper size. It’s
also a perfect moment to liberate yourself from needless anxiety. I think
you’ll be amazed at how much more accurate your perceptions will be as
a result. ~ freewillastrology/rob brezsny

mirrors what i have been told by many and especially by my therapist today. it really needs to sink in … and i ask ‘how? how do i just let it go?’

and the answer is … you just do.

meditation is coming back to me. the gentleness of it. the compassion to just come back and let go … i need this. [and dorothy clicks her heels one time]

two more clicks and i’ll be home …

therapy reminded me that i am still healing. that backsliding is to be expected but … ” do you see you showed up in full makeup and with all your jewelry on? fancy rings? you may feel lost but you are finding yourself again. you are emerging.”

came home and watched the groundhog in our backyard. i think he is happy in the garage with many tunnels … is it wrong that i like him here? that i see him as a welcome guest and not a pest? …

it was a tiring weekend battling demons. it was an exhausting and honest session. i feel hollow … but when something is hollow, it can be filled again.

i am reminded of the goddess Akhilandeshvari …

““Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess. Sanskrit is a tricky and amazing language, and I love that the double negative here means that she is broken right down to her name.

But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.

It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.

Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.

The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.

And of course, this is terrifying.

…remember Akhilanda’s lesson: even that new whole, that new, colourful, amazing groove that we create, is an illusion. It means nothing unless we can keep on breaking apart and putting ourselves together again as many times as we need to. We are already “never not broken.” We were never a consistent, limited whole. In our brokenness, we are unlimited. And that means we are amazing.”
from Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea. ~ Julie (JC) Peters on Elephant Journal

i need rest. therapist says take it. i will be busy soon enough with the rehab testing … staying in touch<3g

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