August 29, 2012 § 3 Comments
my body is trying it’s hardest to convince me [and really … part of me wants to be convinced] to not go off the klonopin. it’s even throwing depression back in my face as of today, as if to say, ” see? see what could happen? do you want this again?”
but i’m not buying it.
it’s just a trick. a fun house mirror and too much cotton candy.
yet it’s all so real in the moment. and my body aches so very much. and i am not sleeping. and it would be SO damned easy to just give in and up …
but i won’t.
August 27, 2012 § 3 Comments
the plan is to begin again … it’s been since April and i have been … well, i have been healing.
no more thoughts of suicide or that i am a burden. on the right dose of proazc and now coming off the benzo [klonopin] which has me deeply considering the ramifications of addiction. its going to take 4-5 months to come off of this. .25mg down a month and it amazes me just how much my body craves what it feels it it losing … and then … that has me me considering the bigger mental emotional picture and how it all relates to how i have [had] been addicted to behavior and thought as well … and how it’s just as hard to to withdraw from those as it is form any drug/substance.
the creation of new neural pathways and a complete turn around in behavior and thought … and how my healing tools have supported me in the process.
these are the things i will write about more in the coming days. future? i try not to look to far ahead because i can worry myself out of happiness. i cause my own greatest suffering … but i am also my own greatest healer.
… and i also get by with a lot of help from friends and family. i have a great team … and Dorothy will be coming home from oz in due time :)
so stay tuned … and stay in touch.