i am an extrovert who needs deep introverted time to recharge …
September 12, 2012 § Leave a comment
feeling overwhelmed … i need to take a step back but i am not sure what from. hothot shower this morning and man, i wanted to just cry [what is it about showers and crying?] but … i’m just at the edge and they don’t want to come.
this morning was very difficult getting up. i sat with my hands over my eyes [actually a very comforting reiki position. the warmth on the eyes helps the mind relax] wondering what reason … what keeps me getting out of bed?
it is a sense of duty. and that’s not a bad thing. it connects to the reiki precept of doing one’s ‘work’ with diligence and steadfastness. i have responsibilities to others. people who depend on me to show up …
but more than that, it is a duty to myself. a commitment to life and living and healing. i made that contract sitting on my bed the first morning on the psych ward. i WILL get up. i WILL have breakfast, get dressed. i WILL participate to the best of my ability. i WILL survive and thrive again.
that sense of will and duty to myself. … but some days … some days … and today is one.
Kismet has been waking me early [say, around 5am] for booty calls and soft cuddles. on the one hand, this attention is something i crave and most welcome. on the other, it is disturbing my already restless sleep and my thoughts find it hard to be still fresh from waking but still on the edge of sleep.
it’s that twilight state where things are amorphous … neither here nor there and mold-able and slippery. this is the foot wringing part of my day where the aches from a tense body present themselves and the thoughts swirl like galaxies within …
i concentrate on kismet’s purring and soft warm body and at some point i find a peaceful spot to rest until i actually need to get up.
[A traveller puts his head under the edge of the firmament in the original (1888) printing of the Flammarion engraving.]
this morning i find myself also dreading the next step in withdrawal … and i know i am getting ahead of myself … and i know i am actually SENDING fear into the future situation … this is something that will need vigilance to circumvent.
and the day moves forward
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