April 3, 2012 § 5 Comments
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “Worry often gives a small thing a big
shadow.” So says a Swedish proverb. Can we talk about this, please,
Pisces? Of course there are real hazards and difficulties in life, and they
deserve your ingenious problem-solving. But why devote any of your
precious energy to becoming embroiled in merely hyped-up hazards and
hypothetical difficulties? Based on my analysis of the astrological omens,
now is a propitious time to cut shadows down to their proper size. It’s
also a perfect moment to liberate yourself from needless anxiety. I think
you’ll be amazed at how much more accurate your perceptions will be as
a result. ~ freewillastrology/rob brezsny
mirrors what i have been told by many and especially by my therapist today. it really needs to sink in … and i ask ‘how? how do i just let it go?’
and the answer is … you just do.
meditation is coming back to me. the gentleness of it. the compassion to just come back and let go … i need this. [and dorothy clicks her heels one time]
two more clicks and i’ll be home …
therapy reminded me that i am still healing. that backsliding is to be expected but … ” do you see you showed up in full makeup and with all your jewelry on? fancy rings? you may feel lost but you are finding yourself again. you are emerging.”
came home and watched the groundhog in our backyard. i think he is happy in the garage with many tunnels … is it wrong that i like him here? that i see him as a welcome guest and not a pest? …
it was a tiring weekend battling demons. it was an exhausting and honest session. i feel hollow … but when something is hollow, it can be filled again.
i am reminded of the goddess Akhilandeshvari …
““Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess. Sanskrit is a tricky and amazing language, and I love that the double negative here means that she is broken right down to her name.
But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.
It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.
Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.
The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.
And of course, this is terrifying.
…remember Akhilanda’s lesson: even that new whole, that new, colourful, amazing groove that we create, is an illusion. It means nothing unless we can keep on breaking apart and putting ourselves together again as many times as we need to. We are already “never not broken.” We were never a consistent, limited whole. In our brokenness, we are unlimited. And that means we are amazing.”
from Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea. ~ Julie (JC) Peters on Elephant Journal
i need rest. therapist says take it. i will be busy soon enough with the rehab testing … staying in touch<3g
March 20, 2012 § 4 Comments
i signed myself into the hospital on a tuesday. my mother died on a tuesday.
the reverberation from the pulses of those days come back to haunt me when my resources are low. i hadn’t really thought much about it until i remembered my dad having really sad/bad days for months on tuesdays and how his therapist reminded him that is when mom died … when he made a difficult but loving decision that allowed her to go [one i will always admire. such love. such strength in that moment] … and that whether we consciously remember it, it ‘haunts’ and lingers in our memory.
… according to the bio-rhythm chart my mom made for me when i was in high school, my rhythms dip on tuesdays as well.
energetically this all makes sense … without a proper release of the vibrations things bounce around and eventually bounce back at us.
but how to cleanse the ‘air’ and aura of the trauma and looping?
flower essences. energy work. sage. rituals … acupuncture and massage even [i could do with a massage. yes. i find i hold ‘stuff’ in my muscles and fascia.]
but one has to be willing TO let it go … and i wonder why i don’t. what good comes from beating myself up and pinning myself to the ropes?
i feel raw and sad and lonely today. i want to be swaddled. i want to sleep. i will most likely cry. … but i will also move along with what needs to be done. shopping to do. chili and cornbread to make. litter box to clean [whoo hoo!]
my therapist advised i sandwich the mundane with things just for me … my astrologer said focus on what brings me pleasure. both women tell me to let go of the anger and blame and to forgive myself. after looking into myself for this the past week or so, i will feel no true pleasure until i release whatever it is i blame myself for.
and i don’t rightly know what that is. … or i have not found it yet.
what frustrates me is that i can see it so clearly in others … which is why healers need healers. it’s very hard to be objective with oneself.
and so … i shadowbox with myself. the Stardust against Swamp Ophelia. right now they are circling each other. Swamp Ophelia always throwing the punches and Stardust … wow. not fighting back. she just takes the punches Ophelia dishes out. Like a martyr.
CRAP! she HAS to fight back or at the very least … defend herself!!! WTF!
that’s a step forward … maybe soon i will be back to dancing with myself instead of boxing … that will be welcome … and nice :]
February 24, 2012 § 9 Comments
good days. bads days. great days. meh days. … we all have them. it’s how we cope with them that counts.
today i am feeling an onslaught of anxiety. and no idea why. checking in to mySelf i feel no reason for this sense of danger that wants my arms and legs to flee.
it’s paralyzing … i feel like a deer in the head lights. frozen and blinded by the on coming …
i have yet to find a foolproof way to circumvent this. but for now … i will make oatmeal [with hemp nuts/flaxseed/coconut/ and honey or brown sugar]
then i’ll take it from there …
amazing too how the body can override the mind. my head feels hopeful and – well, not still but not frightened either – a little caught in unknowing but being in unknowing allows for the doors ahead to be opened …
oatmeal … then i will address those doors :)
considering words like surrender, allowing and vows … the goddess Akhilandeshwari and the idea of things being ‘never not broken’ … how a fractured crystal/diamond is what creates the broken rays of light into rainbows . i have yet to understand her better … i’ll be sure to report back.
but yeah … oatmeal. and maybe maple syrup for a special treat.
February 21, 2012 § 2 Comments
and if there is .. when i bite on it to bear the pain it blows up in my face …
another increase in meds. [good!] not enough sleep. [bad!] pain everywhere in my body but not enough to incapacitate me, just enough to make me feel no ease in movement.
i am working so damn hard at this. so hard at staying afloat and bringing the happy/gratitude on … but the past two days have just been pain and sorrow. a damn dam in the flow of happiness.
no reason. just. just … nothing to really talk about. i mean … the wheels are turning but and i see it but i can’t convince the child who hurts that i can fix this. … i am struggling to convince myself on these days.
therapy tells me that most of our ‘malware’ comes from our childhood. when issues arose and we were too young to understand and process it. so we learned ways to feel at the time. ways that we could either process or not. these remain our triggers and where we fly back to in times of stress … and for someone like me … someone who was born with an extraordinary and extrasensory level of empathy [something my therapist acknowledges, bless her heart.] and no way of understanding how to work with or manage it … how to set extrasensory boundaries … it always comes back to the pain. [princess bride … a duel to the pain …]
i let everything in. i had no idea how to set myself apart from it except to just … disappear … somehow.
if i had had someone then who saw this in me. knew this about me and could have taught me what i needed to know … wow.
but here i am . and i have to learn. but before i can do that, i have to convince the child who sees/feels it all and is somehow convinced that she is going to be rejected/abandoned when people ‘pull away’… that she IS safe and that >I< will protect her.
and this is so hard to do when i am swallowed up by the depression. tho, albeit these days are fewer and somehow better … but, they still come until my med levels are steady.
so the best way i know how to comfort the child is to wrap up in blankets and swaddle myself and let my mind drift. … when what i desire – then and now – are arms surrounding me and someone telling me it’ll be ok because i am loved and ok as well. … hair strokes and arms until i fall asleep. … and come to think of it, that goes back to being a baby … and is that the last time i felt truly safe?
the struggle is exhausting. moving through the day is like trudging in knee deep packed snow. i’m going, but the movement is tough going and laborious. … and because it’s so hard to move, i would rather not.
i manage living. i remember what living felt like. it was nice. and if i have to bare the rest of my days in this manner … i don’t know. i just … don’t know.
but for today. i will find peace. somehow i will find peace.
February 19, 2012 § Leave a comment
so many people have moved away either physically or emotionally or spiritually … perhaps it’s time for me to accept this and stop clinging to something that isn’t the now but only a past … let them go. it’s ok. we’ll all be fine.
perhaps it’s time for me to move away as well
from the past and that clinging
so much past in my present … and too much future … for me to see what is right here.
we need some thought of future and hope but … the clinging i do not need.
i cannot climb the mountain to see the beauty around me if i am clinging to the side … i have to turn around and look.
i have to keep climbing. but not only that … i have to actually stop and enjoy the surroundings.
that’s what anxiety and depression robbed me of. damned if i will not fight to get it back.
i’m up very early. barry being away puts me in charge … it’s not so awful :) the quiet is a pleasant place to be. i see why he loves it so much as well …
good morning :*
February 12, 2012 § 2 Comments
i am wondering about being in the present moment when the present moment is one of heaviness and deep sadness.
i suppose this means not to negate it but to melt into it.
surrender to it
but this can be hard because … here i am again … enveloped in sadness
perhaps it is fighting it that prolongs it.
perhaps if i AM with it in this very moment the connection will be made and the train will pass without me actually boarding.
perhaps being in the moment with it will give it the acknowledment it craves. its own form of hugs a snuggles.
and then it will be on it’s way to play somewhere else. off to the playground where heaviness is its joy.
but not here. not here in this body and mind and soul.
let this pass.
ged / 2.12.12 <3
February 7, 2012 § 3 Comments
I felt like I was losing my mind. I had no control over the hateful thoughts swirling. Anxiety was high and just getting to breakfast every morning in the hospital was a huge event. But I pushed. And why? Because I wanted [want!] to heal. I wanted [want!] to feel Me again … not this foreign twin who had only death and leaving on her mind. [They had visual contact with me every 15 minutes. Even at night [when people are more likely to do self harming] The question I was asked at least 3 times a day … “are you going to or do you want to hurt yourself?” The answer once I was on that ward was no. And I meant it. I was not going to hurt myself.
But I still wanted to die. To not be here. There. To not be a bother or a burden but mostly to not feel the deep heavy pain in my gut and soul and spirit that just made its way to my arms and legs and … there is physical pain involved with major depression. It hurts in more ways than you can imagine.
And there is no clarity. And one cannot just snap out of it. And they tell you to think happy thoughts and it’s such bullshit at the time because there is now way! … no. way.
They assess you for medication and the pills begin to clear the fog. Ativan [for anxiety] as needed is a standard given. And Tylenol. But you get nothing else until a doctor signs off on it and since I was a late afternoon admission that didn’t happen until sometime late the next day. But the meds, over all, take so long to sink in, and adjustments are always made and … they even tell you it’s a kind of crap shoot and it takes experimentation to find the right course of treatment … there is no test to determine just which chemicals have been effected and are out of balance. It’s all still trial and error and a practice and we just happen to be the living lab animals.
[*Update. In the hospital I was put on Celexa for the depression and Klonopin for the anxiety. I just saw my new out patient psychiatrist yesterday and his question was if Prozac worked well for me in the past, why they didn’t put me back on that? I laughed. How the hell should I know?? [he smiled too] Considering the side effects I have been having since the Celexa [even tho it has helped] I am switching back to Prozac. Huzzah! … But more on the meds another day*]
I was in a state of shock the first few days in the hospital. All the other patients and a lot of them bi polar and in psychotic mania … or the one who chanted how afraid she was 24/7 [which frightened me and prompted use of Ativan. I was frightened too.] The place was stark and sterile. No sharps. Nothing with strings. Even pencils were not allowed without supervision.
And it was Thanksgiving. And I was spoiling everyone’s plans. And I just wanted it to end. And I cried and cried and I mustn’t stay in my room all day and I just wanted to hide. To disappear. I just wanted my soft blanket. My cat Kismet, and a place to nest.
Brave face! Jazz hands!
Even though the staff knows better. They at least see you are trying.
And even though I always ordered it … I never got my Red Jello …